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jokes

This tag is associated with 10 posts

Bare Bones Concert Roundup

  • No Baltimore Symphony Orchestra concert this week, not until the preview concert.
  • No National Symphony Orchestra concert until until Labor Day. Is it just me, or is it feeling unloved in here?
  • Okay, well, stuff’s still going down at Strathmore, at least. We’ve got another free summer outdoor concert tomorrow with a Spanish bagpiper. I didn’t even know there WERE Spanish bagpipers. I’ll be there! Oh, and there are a ton of ukulele workshops and performances all week. [ See the calendar! ]

Wow. That was short. Um…

Q. How do you fix a broken tuba?
A. With a tuba glue.
You’re welcome.

If you’d like your concert included in next week’s roundup, leave a comment or drop me a line.

Giving violas a week of rest

This Not A Viola Joke is sincerely dedicated to Jess Wyatt, for being such a gracious commenter. 🙂

Q. How many violinists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Continue reading

A day of celebration for violists

In the spirit of having a kinder, gentler week, let’s turn our comedic eye to a different instrument. JUST THIS ONCE. Don’t get comfortable back there, violas.

Q. How is a harp like an elderly parent?

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Some pun about embouchure goes here

We’re continuing to give those poor, sad, lonely, pathetic violas a break this week (although obviously not a very good one). Also, I’d like to give a shout out to fellow conference attendee @iagobrothers, who recognized me in line for the flight simulator and puffed up my ego by referring to me as a “minor Twitter celebrity.” Why, Mr. H, you’re liable to turn my head! </Scarlett O’Hara>

So anyway, two flautists were walkin’ down the street, and one said to the other, “Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?” To which the other replied, Continue reading

In conclusion: pianos kill

It’s a twofer!

Q. What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

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Comparing apples and oranges is SO early classical period

Hey guys! I’m at a conference in San Diego this week, so I’m afraid I haven’t really got time to ply you with the usual witty and insightful essay you all know and love (look, just nod and smile). So today and tomorrow I’ll be plying you with jokes that have nothing to do with the viola. Is that a novelty or what? (Thanks to Scott for the submission.)

Q. What’s Beethoven’s favorite fruit?

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Haven’t violists suffered enough?

Well, no. They haven’t. There’s plenty more abuse in their future, never fear. But as we slog our way through that early summer wasteland of concertlessness (turns out the cruelest month is June), allow me to inject a little levity into your life. I’ve been meaning to tell this joke forever, but the viola joke has always taken priority. Not today!

Chopin and Dvorak decided that what their music really needed was some inspiration from nature, so they packed their gear and went on a camping trip. When they still hadn’t returned two weeks later it was determined that a search party should be sent to make sure they were okay. Well, when the seekers located the composers’ camp, they found an absolute mess. Ink and paper were positively everywhere, and in the midst of it all, a pervasive, sticky expanse of honey.

As the search party stared at this in some confusion, they suddenly heard the crackling of forest footsteps behind them, followed by a great roar. Two enormous bears came lumbering out of the gloom, the fangs gleaming with slavering malice. The lead searcher, thinking quickly, lifted his gun and shot the bears in the head, one-two, in an impressive show of marksmanship.

Already knowing in their hearts how Chopin and Dvorak had met their ends, the search party glumly examined the bears, discovering them to be a male and female. They sliced open the she-bear and, sure enough, the Polish composer’s partially-digested body came sliding out. It was then they concluded that the Czech was in the male.

Please note: I do not condone the shooting of bears. If confronted with a bear, I recommend you hold very still and accept your fate as necessary. If it seems your death is inevitable, you may as well get a hug in there. I know I’ve always wanted to.

Respite

I bet violists are really grateful for Not Quite Classical Week; it takes the pressure off.

Q. How many folk musicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

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Zero days till Beethoven’s birthday!

That’s right, we’re holding it down for Schroeder. Today is Beethoven‘s birthday. If only he had the advantage of modern medicine, he would’ve been 241 today. You know it.

I posted both to Twitter and Facebook last night about the impending date to give people time to prepare. I got some excellent and highly amusing responses as to the proper celebration — including decomposition and drinking a Fifth — but my favorite came from my friend Daniel: “Oh yeah, I’m getting him a sweet pair of noise cancelling headpho… Oh.” I very much enjoyed that.

If, after you run out and buy a cake and queue up all the Beethoven in your iTunes playlist, you are still at a loss for means of marking this momentous occasion, you might consider browsing the Beethoven archives. You may also tell everyone you know this joke:

Q. Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?

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Broadening your horizons

… with a bass joke! Because other instruments are funny too. Okay, well, not as funny as violas, but as they’ll still receive 99.2% of the abuse I do think we can let them have a quick breather.

Q. How many country bassists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Continue reading